Official Weigh In

I weighed.  It was awful but I did it, stripped down to nothing, right before a shower.  I can’t look at myself in the mirror like that. Rather, I don’t want to.  Anyway, starting weight is:

250 pounds, on the nose

I haven’t weighed this much since I was unhappily married.  My highest recorded weight was 253 pounds.  I really don’t think that three extra pounds means that much at this weight.  It’s not like you could tell one way or another that it’s there or not. 

God, this is a horrible feeling.  I remember sitting on my sofa with my husband, hair unwashed, wearing denim shorts and a flannel shirt unbuttoned over a tank top and thinking, “This is it.  My life sucks.” I was fat, just realizing what a huge mistake I had made in marrying this man, and not caring whether or not I was clean.  I can look back now and see some form of depression and defeat.  We had only been married for six months but I had been crying myself to sleep since day one. Six months in is when I gained enough weight to weigh 253 pounds.

I don’t feel like that girl at all now.  Mostly I am happy.  I have a nice life no longer married to him.  I do things with my friends often.  I have great hair that is always clean.  I no longer wear denim shorts.  I have a lot of hope. It’s just, it’s so hard to have hope about my weight.  Every day I feel like a failure when I don’t eat well.  For the record, I do eat well.  I know the nutritional goals and what constitutes healthy food. I love vegetables and not even only the ones covered in butter and cheese.  I love cooking healthy things and I eat that way every single day.  But I also love the unhealthy things, and those are the foods I eat after my healthy meals, when I’m no longer hungry. That’s what I mean when I say I don’t eat well.

I’ll just type it out loud – I’m a secret binge eater.  Most of the time, I binge eat. I don’t purge nor do I binge exercise.  I just eat enormous amounts of food a lot of the time, even when I’m full. 

If my weight is a horrible feeling, that sentence above is even worse.  It feels awful, horrible, sad, pathetic, and disgusting to know that is my truth. It is, though. This is where I am right now.

I cannot stay here.